la cloche est vite.

i sit here listening to the church bells over the pounding rain. Everything is gray.
I kinda sorta like it though. Refreshing. I was never a fan of white.

I have had a lot of time to think and although my thoughts are still everywhere, I think I have enough order to actually start writing substance.

I have always thought life to be a book.. but I'm starting to realize if life were just a single book.. well you would not have gotten very much accomplished.. most of that book being backstory anyways.  I now know that life is a series of books, each its own stage in itself.  And I think traveling just makes it a better read alltogether.

I have always found comfort in traveling, in seeing new places.  Its what feeds me, drives me.  When I am really feeling rough.. I just want to travel. Get out and go somewhere new. Anywhere other than here as some would put it. Its true though, in my opinion, thats the best remedy for anything be it heartbreak or other -- to be anywhere other than where you are. It could be considered running away from your problems.. but I always have home in mind.

And this language barrier is really something else. I believe its been the largest wall I have ever scaled in my life.. every day a little closer to the top. My speaking is good now. I can get my point across. But the fact that I cannot understand the goings on around me.. it makes me a little bit paranoid. Are they talking about me? Are they making fun of me? Do they like me? But that is something i will have to get over.  I consider myself fairly confident, but I have definitely taken a hit in this situation.  I just hope this is a character building type of thing. However, if they are nice enough to speak slowly, I understand. Im going to give it about 3 more weeks until I'm golden.. if not than I'm basically screwed.

Independance is a virtue.. I am so glad I have it.

I am also glad I am a social person. Making friends has been easy besides the whole miscommunication thing..

Thats it for now though.  I have a book that wants to be written called life.

parte deux

only ifs.
i love you


if.


fall for me
and i will more than gladly catch you.
floating and dreaming
the clouds consume us.
but do not expect.
do not.


because i promise you
if.


i love you
if.


sneakers and torn laces
my eyes are burning


as the sweat drips
drips
drip.


i could talk with you for hours.
tell you most things but not everything.
because i love you. but youll never know.


its not you
its me.
classic line.
classic truth.


because if i was secure with my own being
my thoughts and my soul.


i would confess to you all ive ever felt.


but no one penetrates my circle.  no one.


you can try,
but brave ones before you have tried


and failed.


i commend you for the dent you made.
because that dent is more than any other person.


the dent remains
but not deep enough


my condolences for the broken word
broken structure
broken me.
but thats life.
and life goes on.


oh and one last thing.


...


nevermind.
 
you
things have changed, they are changing, they will continue to change.
highschool does not last forever
something that has hit me like a wall
we move on
we grow older


older


scary the thought of.
because i know i will move on
willfully or not
because of the sheer fact that i am just a child


16 years.  16 short uneventful years
and all i have to show are these scars that cover my heart.


but these scars are not by my doing, ironiclly inflicted by the ones i love most
friends i care too much for
friendly knives.


but all ive ever wanted is happiness
but not for myself


no.
for that is selfish
and greedy
and unjust
and blind


i want happiness alright
i truly do
but for the ones around me because in essence


they are me..


and for that reason
my reason for being is revealed.
and although years from now
we may not talk, we may not recognize, we may not know


but i love you.


through all things
through my own sadness
you come first.


all i can say is,
dont forget the boy who helped, who loved, who saw and healed


because as my heart falls apart
i hope yours has mended.


friends forever
friends for highschool.
friends for right now.


whichever you feel you need
when you need it.


green apple nightmares
fix it.
you broke it.
why.


my heart is shattered and my brain is racing.
typical.
typically not typical.
saturday nights.


obviously, i try to care
try to feel, try to warn.


but.   you.   dont.   give.   a.   damn.


couldnt care less.
youve already kicked up the dust
with a turned heel.
leaving me behind.
something not forseen
as i was blinded by my feelings.


sunday morning.
feeling sick
sick to the stomach.
sick to the heart.


and you try to rely
to lean
to shy.


away from your actions


your dialogue
your inner being


now you want a shoulder
now you want a hug
now you want a friend
now.
now.
now.


not complying.


due to your sudden want of the helping hand
of someone who truly cares
sorry.   cared.


help yourself.


because you defiantely need the


help.


me.


help me.


by leaving me be.
beacuse i know
i could never expect you to do
much more


than that.


found
im unravelling
for all the world to see.

just look a little closer

here i am.
out in plain site.
go ahead and ask,
i keep nothing hidden.

and its all because of you.
i dont know how you did it
or why for that matter.

but perhaps now..
i can start to be happy.

thankyou.


angry
fucking bitches
fucking hoes
fucking sluts
who think they know.

how to hurt me
how to crush me
how to beat me
to the ground

but ive just ripped
you wholly apart
with simple truths
before you could start

my words are sharp
my skin is thick
the things you say
make me sick

from the laughing i do
from the sheer stupidity
from the nonsense
on your behalf.

silence and its over
last words are lasting impressions
and even though you say you dont care
you descend into a quiet depression

beau.

i love france.  i look better here.

p.s.   ali gayowski.  and thatd be all

settling in

Everything is amazing still.  I know it is only the third day and all.. but I am really enjoying myself here.  The food is friggen amazing and gourmet.. I mean I just had chocolate filled bread for breakfast with a cup of french coffee while discussing plans for Paris, and Blois, and traveling France.  Overall good morning.
My jet-lag is fiiiiiiinally starting to fade as I adjust to living here.. and my living quality is great.
Like I said, the food is fantastic, but we eat a ton which I am always up for, the rents are the nicest people I have ever met and they are trying sooo soso hard, my room is awesome. I have a queen sized bed, my own comp, etc.  The house is blindingly nice.  Its a cute little old style European type house with all the necessities and upgrades I could have asked for in the cutest little French village. And my partner.  he is just awesome all the way around.
My french is coming along, albeit slowly but surely, understanding more and more every day, and I am already making friends.
I am just dreading the day homesickness hits me.. hopefully I never have to see that day.
Anyways.  That is it for now.  Hopefully furthur into the experience I can write things with more substance and meaning rather than just updates :)

bienvenue

i havent blogged in a while.. and its not because ive given up, its because i just havent been on a computer.  Anyways.  Right now I am in France.   And i love it.   i dont even miss canada or my friends or family yet.. its strange.  I guess its because im doing so much and trying so hard to learn the language -- its taking all my energy. Yesterday i was in paris.  and boy do i love paris.  The culture, the food, the fashion..  its just all great.  And i saw the Eiffel Tower.  it changed my life, legit though. The moment i laid eyes on it, my jaw dropped and i swear i heard angels sing.  It made the experience seem real for the first time but also dreamlike.. if that makes sense..
oh and good news, my family here is awesome.  they are extremely nice and very patient which is a plus.  And my partner is also extremely amazing.  we get along famously already.  but thats it for now.. because this keyboard is making me disoriented.. its completely different than canada, which is why im not bothering with grammer.