Two weeks.. strange. I feel like I have only been here a couple of days..
I'm starting to feel like I don't have enough time here.. 2 weeks gone.. 9 weeks left.. this is going to fly by me and I am not going to know where the time went.. I already do not know how it has been 2 weeks..
But it makes me think about time in general.. looking back on my life.. my short life of 16 years.. it sped by. When the future becomes the past.. we finally realize how much time we have wasted. I've been lucky though, I'll give you that. Getting to experience a lot more than the average 16 year old.. but there is always this void.. something unexplainable..
Maybe if I stopped writing with so many ellipses I could figure out what the thought process is within them..
I just want more. To do everything and anything possible. And thats why I am the way I am, so accomplished, so.. worldly (self proclaimed albeit). I jump at every single chance and opportunity I can find.. which is why I find myself sitting in a bedroom in France right now.
Essentially I don't want to go home.. while at the same time wanting the very opposite of that fact. I don't know, it's hard to explain.
I think I would like to just merge these two worlds together and live happily ever after.. you know, the whole hannah montana lifestyle type thing.
I know this blog is incoherent.. as most of mine are. But that's because my brain is so filled that I just want to write everything at once and then when it comes time to do it.. I can't explain it properly or it's jumbled or etc etc. What you read is simply.. my mind on paper. You get to see the breaks in topic.. the changes in mood, thought, feeling. And I think that is what a blog is.
So pretty much I'm lame.
And I called home for the first time today.. it was something I had been procrastinating doing because I didn't want to damper my happiness with longings for home. I have been lucky enough to not have had any homesickness thus far and I was scared calling and hearing familiar voices would change that. and it did in a way..
It was when Grace started talking to me.. it was definitely.. difficult. Hearing the voice of that little girl of whom I care so much about and then realizing I'm missing so much in her development as a child and in her life.. It was just melancholy at best.
She asked me if I was in France to which I replied yes. And then she asked me when I was coming home because she missed me a lot.. and I swear I almost broke down right there. Now, I'm fully aware that I am not her father.. but the fact that it is such a large age gap makes me have some paternal feelings. But then again, I AM her Godfather. So anyways. I told her I wasn't going to be able to come home for a while and that I missed her a lot too.. she proceeded to tell me again that she missed me a lot and loved me a lot and wanted me to come home.. I didn't know what to do.. so I just laughed and said I'll be home soon, but I have to do some things in France first. I can guarantee I will cry tonight.. and that will be the first time my entire stay here. But I need to. Crying isn't a sign of weakness.. or a concept I need to learn. Plus. One of my goals here was to not be afraid to cry.
But it was a hard conversation.. staying strong. But thats me. Strong. Its a front I've been able to build but when in private I'm just like everyone else. Weak. Two very opposite words. But I've come to the conclusion that I need to be strong.. or at least be strong enough for the ones around me. Be that safe haven and sponge that people can come to with their problems and respond with rock hard, steady, confidence.
And then not be afraid to let my guard down when I have problems or a rough day or anything.
I definitely need to work on that latter half.
So I should be off now, before this turns into a novel.
bon soirée. tu me manque..
No comments:
Post a Comment