breathing the grey in an un-fairytale ending

i don't know where my motivation went.. and i don't know why i stopped blogging.

maybe it dissipated when my laptop crashed and burned. emphasis on the crashed, add in the lack of it being fixed.

i look at my dashboard and i see a multitude of half finished blog posts.. maybe one day ill get around to actually finishing them.

its sad really.. seeing my uncompleted thoughts. to think of what they could've been.

for now, its just me and a bright, cloudy night sky.

perhaps ill see you sooner than my lack of will for writing seems to let on..

Seven

I have a single week left in France.  Surreal.  I'll blog at a later date, probably when I'm back in Canada, to write of everything i've learned, seen, felt, etc.   Ciao.

tremors lead to earthquakes.

i don't know what went wrong.. things have changed here.
But that's besides the point.

I have not written in a very, very long time.  An abundance of ideas with no motivation amounts to nothing.

So.  I'm still in France.

This experience has really opened my eyes to the world around me and made me aware of a lot things about myself and the ones around me.  I don't want to get all philosophical.. or at least not until I'm home so I can give a proper reflection on everything.  I want it to be a bit of a surprise.

But yah.  I've definitely .. changed.  For the better mind you. I've been given the chance of a lifetime and I've taken it to heart.  I have thought a lot about who i am, who i want to be, where i want to go and all that fun stuff.  I have opened up to those around me, and more importantly, to myself. I've gained a true confidence that I'm proud of.

Again, I don't want to spoil it, but rather let it simmer and savour it for a post later on.

So with that, I think I'm ready to come home.  I've accomplished everything I was looking to accomplish, and i've found the parts of me I was searching for.  Not that i want to go just yet, i'm just ready.

Well. Certain events have shifted atmospheres and my mind involuntarily.. so I don't know where everything is at right now.  But yah.  Things will work out.. they always do..

mindful revolutions.

not me:
its been tough lately pat, im trying to change that the best i can.
he claimed that he wasnt actually happy with her, actually he claimed alot of things, we'll see how those go for him lol


me:
bahah. good call.
yah. the wonderfulness that is facebook creepage.
and yah.. ive noticed bahaha. but its fine. people have lives. it just sucks sometimes not knowing whats going on with the ones back home, you know? so yah, whenever possible, or never if so be it. ive learned to roll with the punches and etc etc. im not exactly the same person as i was when i left..
and sounds like the same [name ommitted]


not me:

.i dont think anyones really the same person as when you left,

i dont think i am, contrary to how it might seem on fb.\ haha

me:

well.. hes a lost cause, i wouldnt bother dwelling on it.
and odd.. i knew my parting of ways would be change inducing but i didnt think it would cause a revolution of the minds.
anything specific i should expect in terms of personality in anyone?

not me:

umm....let me think about that.
at the moment im not too sure, but i think that when you come back, you will see and feel a difference. whether it be minor or major..
i think we're maturing, very slowly, but maturing none the less

me:

hmm.. kind of already feeling that oddly..
and anything with you?

not me:

aw thats good though?
and yeah i think me..although i havent been able to decifer if these are good changes, good feelings, good chances, or if there completely opposite.
i care more about people.
this recent hit of [name omitted] has once again taken me into a semi-spiral, and seeing how i come out of this one will be interesting.

me:

you know what.. im feeling the same changes..

well. the whole caring part. next week (as i have written in my planner) is to messgae anybody i have hurt with my apologies.

im not going to be that mean, brutally honest, sad sad boy anymore. ill still have my opinions and my thoughts and such.. but im going to b a lot more gentler.

i also want to try vegetarianism.. we'll how that goes, if at all.

and im generally a lot more reflective and might appear rather depressed at times.

mind you, i am not depressed. i have found comfort in myself, and i like to think deeply for long periods of time now about everything.

i miss being being young.. or what we consider 'young'.

not me:

aw pat, your growth in france, whether you like it or are a little apprehensive about it, is making me so proud of you.          

i wish i was as strong as you, as intelligent, and quite simply put as beautiful as you.

im too scared of myself to sit and reflect with myself.i dont want to face me i think.. however i havent done anything that bad so i dont know why that is..

im glad in reality you will not actually be depressed,

however i think i might be..or have some type of thing going on..

not to freak you out or scare you

its under control of course haha i just think that might make some sense and fit into my equation.

me:

yah. im growing up.

it was less a painful process than i thought..

well actually thats a lie.

it was hard.

but yah. its nice to hear that actually..

ive been able to have a lot of experiences to jumpstart and speed up the process, sometimes despising that it happned to fast, sometimes relishing in that fact. but im only as strong as the ones around me have made me, as intelligent as the combined thought process of everything ive ever seen, and as beautiful as nature intends.

ive come to realize everything i have and will ever have will never be done completely alone and that i only am what i experience.

and it took a long time for me to come to this point thats for sure. a while back, i couldnt even look at myself in the mirror.. i wanted to be nonexistant in the most complete of ways.

but thats over and ive picked myself up.ive come to terms without a lot different things that make me.. me.

well..its not like ive been hiding anything.

and yah. depression sucks. but thats where i draw strength.. or at least where my strength is rooted.

but yah. 

not me:

sorry pfids it was fam dinner,

although the fam part was stressed hahah

but pat i am honestly so thankful that we are both enduring these changes,

im so happy you are the brave, courageous person i always knew you were

you are a force to be reckoned with, and people will always respect you for that. 

aw pat,

whatever you have come to terms with, i will accept and encourage and stand behind you on them 100%. you know more about me in this very moment then anyone else i talk to

i am always here for you, no matter what

through GAGA and KE$HA lyrics, to tears and sacred notes .. you're right though, it is over now

or atleast, is on that road to becoming over.

me:

hah.

but thats fine. i think im more thankful to be enduring with someone.. i cant imagine being alone through it.

and so are you. its something, if not right now, youll realize soon. i can feel it. my intuition is stronger than mosts.
and good. because im going to need it, and im going to need people who actually matter.. and i feel honoured to be the person youve entrusted with your feelings.
you also, besides myself, know what im all about.. you know my heart and my brain.

and yah, pretty much our lives. haha. and the thing about it being over, or rather on the road to becoming over. i feel like we're on that sort of path for a lot of things.. im sad.. but im also really excited to see what new paths we'll take.

not me:

i completely agree,if i knew i was the only one experiencing a change, id be even more scared of the potentiall outcomes.
i always trust your intuition, you are tapped into things that most people are oblivious to.
well even if you do lose people, for whatever reason, you will never lose me.
no matter what.
even if you killed someone, id help you make a strong aliby.thats all i want, for you to be comfortable and feel safe
because you always will be pat, you will always be safe here.

i love that i know those things, your heart and brain
and i want the same for you by the end of summer
because i know im a pretty confusing person haha

im sad too, but i think its only because  ive never really tried to change things, ive always just accepted what life gives me even if its shit.
thats all i thought i was worthy of..
im dealing with that.
we'll find the right paths, we always do.
i just dont want your path to become a path with a flare to it,

me:

yah. lonliness scares me.
and im glad you trust it. Trust is probably the biggest thing i could ever ask from a person. Im honoured to have it.
And i dont want to lose you. I mean.. youve been a great friend and have helped me through this place we call highschool. this life we call drama.
Its safe to say i also trust you. i dont exactly give it out easily.. not with the things ive been through..

and i hope to god i never kill anyone :/.. i cant even imagine taking someone elses life.. i would probably take my own if i ever did that..

And I think I already have a good grasp on those.. I know that they are sporadic, for sure, but ive learned to adapt and take it in with each change. But again, things have changed so we will see.   And the summer.. well.. i can guarantee itll be interesting.

and yah.. just accepting things the way they are is called apathy. its where most problems spring from. Ive never just 'accepted' things. I never could. Its partly why i am where i am today, why ive been so successfull in my endeavors of any kind.

and yah.. i suppsoe we do always find the right paths.. or at least most of us do. sometimes.. the journeys are just overwhelming and some people succumb to the things of that nature.

But the paths ahead of me right now are pretty clear.. i know what i have to do, where i have to go, who i have to be. or at least for a little bit.

And thats the beauty of life. Coming to a fork, a side path. Choosing whether or not to take it or continue where you were going. Im only young. And sometimes im going to choose the wrong path.. but i always know i can rely on you and others to lead me clear.

also.. this conversation helped me tremendously in identifying the changes im going through. If i hadnt had this.. i dont think i would be aware of them. It forced me to think and dwell on everything ive experienced here in france and in my life. 

and contrary to my last post. i havent been happier :)

oh, and pb.

because i decided to be cool and inventive and write pb meaning post-blog instead of ps meaning post-signature,

i have another blog too. its for everything else. 

checkitoutcheckitout check. it. out.

triste.

why am i so upset lately? like reeeeeeaaallly?
well actually i know exactly why.. but im not going to write about it on here.. or at least not yet..
all i can say is.. today was uber tough. like.. the toughest day i have had out here.
When you start to feel alone.. unwanted.. well those feelings eat away at you. I'm only human.
And once those feelings start, you just want someone to talk to. And so with that comes the longing for a familiar face, familiar voice.
The first wave of homesickness. Although I can safely say it wasn't self induced.. but rather brought upon by others causing me to feel this way.
I just really need to be happy again.
I didn't want this to be a legit blog.. I'm not really in a good mindset to write in depth at the moment. So I'll stop with that.

a sombre harmony.

I'm in the mood to write another playlist? Why? .. well for one I like music.. and through this experience I've been able to connect to music on another level.. allowing music to be that person to talk to.. to be that person to comfort in tough times. Also because sometimes songs just express the way I'm feeling better than I can put it.
But anyways.  For those of you who will actually listen to these songs, they mean a lot.  Or at least, some of them do.. i think.  As I write this I don't know every song I'm going to put on it.. so yah.

So I think I will start with this:


All Time Low  - Six Feet Under The Stars (the acoustic version is so much better)
                      - Break Your Little Heart
                      - Remembering Sunday

The reason I like Remembering Sunday so much? The girl vocalist, hands down. But I spent years listening to the song refusing to find out who she was.  I have this strange fascination with mystery.  I don't think there's enough of it in the world. But anyways, I crashed and I researched. The good news? I think I'm in love.
Juliet Simms. She is the lead vocalist and guitar in a Tampa Bay area band called Automatic Loveletter. And this band is my new muse. There's something about her tentative, raspy vocals that just grab my attention. I don't know why.. because I'm usually not into that at all.. but there's something there I can't quite put my finger on.

Anyways.

Automatic Loveletter  - Changing Skies (my favourite) 
                                 - Unhearted
                                 - Hush
                                 - Make Up Smeared Eyes
                                 - Just Keep Breathing
                                 - When We First Met


Secondhand Serenade - Why
                                  - Your Call
                                  - Awake


Hedley - Perfect


Avril Lavigne - Wonderland


Kesha - Animal
           - Hungover 
           - Blind
           - Dancing With Tears in My Eyes
           
All American Rejects - Swing Swing
                                 - It Ends Tonight
                                 - The Wind Blows           


Miley Cyrus & Nick Jonas - Before the Storm (dont judge, its legit good). 

lyricism

Carrie Underwood has legit one of the best voices I have ever heard.  Its raw and its powerful.  
These are the lyrics from her song 'Lessons Learned'. I think it sums up everything about life in general, and the way she sings them.. its awe-inspiring. Its one of those songs I like to listen to on a tough day or when I want to think.. it really just opens up my mind :)


There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
When life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned. 

"Tu me manque" il a dit. "Tu me manque".

Two weeks.. strange.  I feel like I have only been here a couple of days..
I'm starting to feel like I don't have enough time here.. 2 weeks gone.. 9 weeks left.. this is going to fly by me and I am not going to know where the time went.. I already do not know how it has been 2 weeks..
But it makes me think about time in general.. looking back on my life.. my short life of 16 years.. it sped by. When the future becomes the past.. we finally realize how much time we have wasted. I've been lucky though, I'll give you that. Getting to experience a lot more than the average 16 year old.. but there is always this void.. something unexplainable..
Maybe if I stopped writing with so many ellipses I could figure out what the thought process is within them..
I just want more. To do everything and anything possible. And thats why I am the way I am, so accomplished, so.. worldly (self proclaimed albeit). I jump at every single chance and opportunity I can find.. which is why I find myself sitting in a bedroom in France right now.

Essentially I don't want to go home.. while at the same time wanting the very opposite of that fact. I don't know, it's hard to explain.
I think I would like to just merge these two worlds together and live happily ever after.. you know, the whole hannah montana lifestyle type thing.

I know this blog is incoherent.. as most of mine are.  But that's because my brain is so filled that I just want to write everything at once and then when it comes time to do it.. I can't explain it properly or it's jumbled or etc etc. What you read is simply.. my mind on paper. You get to see the breaks in topic.. the changes in mood, thought, feeling. And I think that is what a blog is.

So pretty much I'm lame.

And I called home for the first time today.. it was something I had been procrastinating doing because I didn't want to damper my happiness with longings for home.  I have been lucky enough to not have had any homesickness thus far and I was scared calling and hearing familiar voices would change that. and it did in a way..

It was when Grace started talking to me.. it was definitely.. difficult. Hearing the voice of that little girl of whom I care so much about and then realizing I'm missing so much in her development as a child and in her life.. It was just melancholy at best.
She asked me if I was in France to which I replied yes. And then she asked me when I was coming home because she missed me a lot.. and I swear I almost broke down right there. Now, I'm fully aware that I am not her father.. but the fact that it is such a large age gap makes me have some paternal feelings. But then again, I AM her Godfather.  So anyways. I told her I wasn't going to be able to come home for a while and that I missed her a lot too.. she proceeded to tell me again that she missed me a lot and loved me a lot and wanted me to come home.. I didn't know what to do.. so I just laughed and said I'll be home soon, but I have to do some things in France first. I can guarantee I will cry tonight.. and that will be the first time my entire stay here. But I need to. Crying isn't a sign of weakness.. or a concept I need to learn. Plus. One of my goals here was to not be afraid to cry.
But it was a hard conversation.. staying strong. But thats me. Strong. Its a front I've been able to build but when in private I'm just like everyone else. Weak.  Two very opposite words. But I've come to the conclusion that I need to be strong.. or at least be strong enough for the ones around me. Be that safe haven and sponge that people can come to with their problems and respond with rock hard, steady, confidence.
And then not be afraid to let my guard down when I have problems or a rough day or anything.

I definitely need to work on that latter half.

So I should be off now, before this turns into a novel.

bon soirée. tu me manque..

la cloche est vite.

i sit here listening to the church bells over the pounding rain. Everything is gray.
I kinda sorta like it though. Refreshing. I was never a fan of white.

I have had a lot of time to think and although my thoughts are still everywhere, I think I have enough order to actually start writing substance.

I have always thought life to be a book.. but I'm starting to realize if life were just a single book.. well you would not have gotten very much accomplished.. most of that book being backstory anyways.  I now know that life is a series of books, each its own stage in itself.  And I think traveling just makes it a better read alltogether.

I have always found comfort in traveling, in seeing new places.  Its what feeds me, drives me.  When I am really feeling rough.. I just want to travel. Get out and go somewhere new. Anywhere other than here as some would put it. Its true though, in my opinion, thats the best remedy for anything be it heartbreak or other -- to be anywhere other than where you are. It could be considered running away from your problems.. but I always have home in mind.

And this language barrier is really something else. I believe its been the largest wall I have ever scaled in my life.. every day a little closer to the top. My speaking is good now. I can get my point across. But the fact that I cannot understand the goings on around me.. it makes me a little bit paranoid. Are they talking about me? Are they making fun of me? Do they like me? But that is something i will have to get over.  I consider myself fairly confident, but I have definitely taken a hit in this situation.  I just hope this is a character building type of thing. However, if they are nice enough to speak slowly, I understand. Im going to give it about 3 more weeks until I'm golden.. if not than I'm basically screwed.

Independance is a virtue.. I am so glad I have it.

I am also glad I am a social person. Making friends has been easy besides the whole miscommunication thing..

Thats it for now though.  I have a book that wants to be written called life.

parte deux

only ifs.
i love you


if.


fall for me
and i will more than gladly catch you.
floating and dreaming
the clouds consume us.
but do not expect.
do not.


because i promise you
if.


i love you
if.


sneakers and torn laces
my eyes are burning


as the sweat drips
drips
drip.


i could talk with you for hours.
tell you most things but not everything.
because i love you. but youll never know.


its not you
its me.
classic line.
classic truth.


because if i was secure with my own being
my thoughts and my soul.


i would confess to you all ive ever felt.


but no one penetrates my circle.  no one.


you can try,
but brave ones before you have tried


and failed.


i commend you for the dent you made.
because that dent is more than any other person.


the dent remains
but not deep enough


my condolences for the broken word
broken structure
broken me.
but thats life.
and life goes on.


oh and one last thing.


...


nevermind.
 
you
things have changed, they are changing, they will continue to change.
highschool does not last forever
something that has hit me like a wall
we move on
we grow older


older


scary the thought of.
because i know i will move on
willfully or not
because of the sheer fact that i am just a child


16 years.  16 short uneventful years
and all i have to show are these scars that cover my heart.


but these scars are not by my doing, ironiclly inflicted by the ones i love most
friends i care too much for
friendly knives.


but all ive ever wanted is happiness
but not for myself


no.
for that is selfish
and greedy
and unjust
and blind


i want happiness alright
i truly do
but for the ones around me because in essence


they are me..


and for that reason
my reason for being is revealed.
and although years from now
we may not talk, we may not recognize, we may not know


but i love you.


through all things
through my own sadness
you come first.


all i can say is,
dont forget the boy who helped, who loved, who saw and healed


because as my heart falls apart
i hope yours has mended.


friends forever
friends for highschool.
friends for right now.


whichever you feel you need
when you need it.


green apple nightmares
fix it.
you broke it.
why.


my heart is shattered and my brain is racing.
typical.
typically not typical.
saturday nights.


obviously, i try to care
try to feel, try to warn.


but.   you.   dont.   give.   a.   damn.


couldnt care less.
youve already kicked up the dust
with a turned heel.
leaving me behind.
something not forseen
as i was blinded by my feelings.


sunday morning.
feeling sick
sick to the stomach.
sick to the heart.


and you try to rely
to lean
to shy.


away from your actions


your dialogue
your inner being


now you want a shoulder
now you want a hug
now you want a friend
now.
now.
now.


not complying.


due to your sudden want of the helping hand
of someone who truly cares
sorry.   cared.


help yourself.


because you defiantely need the


help.


me.


help me.


by leaving me be.
beacuse i know
i could never expect you to do
much more


than that.


found
im unravelling
for all the world to see.

just look a little closer

here i am.
out in plain site.
go ahead and ask,
i keep nothing hidden.

and its all because of you.
i dont know how you did it
or why for that matter.

but perhaps now..
i can start to be happy.

thankyou.


angry
fucking bitches
fucking hoes
fucking sluts
who think they know.

how to hurt me
how to crush me
how to beat me
to the ground

but ive just ripped
you wholly apart
with simple truths
before you could start

my words are sharp
my skin is thick
the things you say
make me sick

from the laughing i do
from the sheer stupidity
from the nonsense
on your behalf.

silence and its over
last words are lasting impressions
and even though you say you dont care
you descend into a quiet depression

beau.

i love france.  i look better here.

p.s.   ali gayowski.  and thatd be all

settling in

Everything is amazing still.  I know it is only the third day and all.. but I am really enjoying myself here.  The food is friggen amazing and gourmet.. I mean I just had chocolate filled bread for breakfast with a cup of french coffee while discussing plans for Paris, and Blois, and traveling France.  Overall good morning.
My jet-lag is fiiiiiiinally starting to fade as I adjust to living here.. and my living quality is great.
Like I said, the food is fantastic, but we eat a ton which I am always up for, the rents are the nicest people I have ever met and they are trying sooo soso hard, my room is awesome. I have a queen sized bed, my own comp, etc.  The house is blindingly nice.  Its a cute little old style European type house with all the necessities and upgrades I could have asked for in the cutest little French village. And my partner.  he is just awesome all the way around.
My french is coming along, albeit slowly but surely, understanding more and more every day, and I am already making friends.
I am just dreading the day homesickness hits me.. hopefully I never have to see that day.
Anyways.  That is it for now.  Hopefully furthur into the experience I can write things with more substance and meaning rather than just updates :)